There are two kinds of bad writers: competent writers who attempt to catapult themselves into the next stage of writing prowess by utilising all of the wrong kinds of flair, and inadequate writers who attempt to meld into the overcrowded market of mediocre writers by utilising overwrought, ‘clever’ turns of phrases and words.
Fortunately, unlike the former category occupied mostly by stubborn, inflated egos requiring stuffed toys of the polar bear persuasion to be coerced into change, those in the latter category can learn from their mistakes.
6. One word sentences. Never. Will. Have. A. Point.
These should only be used where least expected, and only once in any writing piece, and never in the last paragraph, and never at the end of any review of anything, no matter how much money you spent on that absolute worst piece of celluloid you ever suffered through in your life.
5. ‘I don’t claim to be an expert, but [useless opinion]’
You might think this lowers your responsibility to your readers to provide accurate content. Unless you’re describing the exact best method to build a fort out of kitty litter, you might be thinking wrong.
4. ‘For example, there’s [a]this[/a] and [a]this[/a] and …’ does not ‘well-researched’ make
This error occurs strictly in online writing; however, it’s equally relevant for offline writing as well. Conjuring up a long line of links/examples in one sentence does not show you’re well-read in the topic you’re discussing. Further, providing no context or explanation in between each link/example only serves to display your conflicting inner sloth and full-of-hot-air expert to the world.
3. Non-English phrases do not verbosity make
The crème de la crème of writers out there do not hold as their raison d‘être the abuse of phrase books full of obscure Latin phrases. Sparing use is the key.
2. Adjectives re-invented as nouns … are just dumb
And then I unleashed a huge whopping dose of brilliant on his ass
Jodie was such a boring, I turned to the scanner for something more animated to talk to
At least add -ness to let your readers know you are aware some adjectives are only meant to be used as adjectives, and that you’re not incompetent at English but merely incompetent at original humour.
1. Okay, that last part isn’t true, but [HA HA HA … no]
So it started raining during my walk home today. That was after Andy stole my lunch at work. And after the bear broke into my office and stole my spare pair of boxers so I had nothing to change into once the bear extermination squad cleared out. Okay, that last part isn’t true, but can you say Worst. Day. Ever?
This technique is what you’d call a bigger threat to national security than bears.
In summary: write how people actually think and talk, as many would prefer to read the same way as well.
Stay tuned for a post on how to write anti-try-hard-style while still living up to a modest title lying somewhere between ‘the real deal’ and ‘pen-master super-duper extraordinaire’.
