Watching the new edition of Gladiators on TV a couple of days ago, I came to realise it might be possible to develop an idiot box-induced nostalgia complex.
There are three stages of nostalgia: kiddiestalgia, adultstalgia, and the strange, in-between cousin of the wistfully inclined, adolstalgia.
Stupid, made-up jargon aside, adolstalgia as applied to television is rather fascinating.
Waking up to ‘same old formula, same old characters’
When you’re a kid, it takes you a while to figure out that all of your favourite shows follow a basic, hilarious pattern:
New threat to heroes → heroes do Plan A → Plan A fails → heroes do Plan B → SUPER MEGA SHOWDOWN OF DEATH → heroes do ‘save the day while learning an Important Message’
See: Power Rangers, Captain Planet, Super Ted (insert appropriate ‘showing my age’ remark)
When you’re all grown-up, it takes you an even longer while to figure out that all of your favourite shows follow this same basic pattern, only remodelled with stipulations such as ‘more complex characters’, ‘shock twists’ and ‘sex’ added to each step.
See: 24, Lost, Prison Break
Trapping the mind in the blissful well of adolstalgia
But when you’re a teenager – watching all varieties of shows belonging to either aforementioned categories – it’s the fermenting realisation that the ‘idiot box’ is truly that which forever imprints your favourite shows of that time period in your mind, in an unconscious attempt to preserve your own innocent ignorance.
See: X-Men, Spiderman, Sheep in the Big City, Powerpuff Girls, Buffy, The Simpsons
You begin to find deeper, hidden meanings in your cartoons, even where none are intended. You begin to realise that entertainment can be entertainingly smart.
And though later it becomes obvious that what constitutes ‘smart’ onscreen really only equates to ‘less shallow’, these shows remain your favourites for the rest of your life.
Enter, Gladiators, 2008 edition
In other words, it’s okay to miss being a bratty teen with no taste … and never knowing any better. At least, until the next stage of nostalgia kicked in. The true indicator of adultstalgia?
Turning on the box, landing on a show which kicks in for you a severe case of adolstalgia, and concluding quietly to yourself that television sucks now goddamn.
Some things from our teenage years are better kept right there in the past.
